My Relationship with (a guy named) COVID

At first you were an idea, a potential that I have yet to meet.  I heard many different stories about you, everyone seemed to know of you, but didn’t really know you. You were so mysterious.

When you first came into my life, I was nervous, and intrigued by the thought of you. I wanted to know more about you, get to know you better. It was exciting, mysterious and a little scary; I felt so vulnerable and so exposed.  The essence of danger was seductive and attractive; the newness was so intoxicating.

Your presence in my life brought out both the worst and the best of me.  I found myself, making sacrifices for you and our relationship.   I began to explore my own beliefs and convictions, and at times it led me to places that were filled with trepidation and uncertainty. I found myself making excuses for you, but it was ok I wanted to, and it felt like something I just had to do.  You were so charismatic and compelling.

After a little while, as we got to know each other better, you became more familiar. The newness was wearing off.  I began to understand how you were and what “made you tick”.  While looking at you I started to see a reflection of myself.  Who was I?  We became so close that I lost myself in you.  You were my life!  At moments, I felt consumed by you and felt like I couldn’t breathe.

It was because of you that I created a mask to conceal myself.    I noticed that the people around would look at me, with judgment, not recognizing who I had become, as I was hiding behind a mask that shrouded my true identity.   Within the confines of our relationship, I felt safe behind the mask, it made sense.  No one could see how I really felt, not even myself.

As time moved on, our days became monotonous, we fell into a routine, a day to day grind as it seemed; every day the same.  Not much excitement, not much fun.  We told the same stories over and over.  What once intrigued me…now bored me.  The things you did that I used to laugh at or be wondered by, were now old habits… that irritated me.  I found myself trying to find time not to be with you, and make excuses to get away; and in those times I took off my mask and took a deep breath.

I found a freedom in that, that I have not felt before.   I found that , not  only could I breathe without you , but I was able to take a deeper more meaningful breath; and  yes that scared me.  Could I really breathe without you? Interesting question, because it was you who first took my breath away, and now,  I find I want it back.

As more time went by, I realized that this relationship wasn’t working any more.  I felt stifled and controlled by you. You were suffocating me.  You were selfish, self-centered and only thought of what was best for you. I felt used and betrayed; and I allowed it.   I was blinded by the newness, the intrigue, the hype and the glamor, for everybody was talking about us; we were a global sensation.  But like all relationships that are based upon a rocky foundation and false hopes, it got old and tiresome and wasn’t sustainable.   I have worn the mask for so long that when I looked in the mirror I didn’t even recognize myself.  The mask gave me a false sense of security, and was used to create a distraction from my innate power within.

Who did I become?

As I took the mask off  that shielded my true identity , I uncovered  a brave, courageous,  creative, strong, capable,  vibrant  person  who was just waiting to come out and be seen.  My breath gave   me a voice, a song, and the deeper I breathed the better I felt.  I found this new elixir of life.  Within all my vulnerabilities, I found   the strength, and courage, to leave my mask off and confront you.

I embraced the idea of life without you, and exhaled you away.  The time has come to end our relationship; the time has come for you to leave.  I realize that your presence no longer serves me, for I am a different person. I am no longer fearful, and afraid of being alone, and I do not need you to define me.

I am whole and unto myself,  I am confident and magnificent , I love myself enough,  and I know that  you can no longer affect me and  put me under your spell.

I look around me with new eyes and embrace the uncertainty and the unknown; the people look different… the world looks different.

I looked into the mirror, at all that I am, exposed and vulnerable, and there all along looking back, was compassion, love and understanding that was behind that mask the whole time.

She said I know who you are…. Do you know who you are?

Yes, I answered!  I say Hello to a new me, and go forth into a new world, filled with endless possibilities and potentials for a future I have yet to step into.

Thank you COVID, Take Care